I want to introduce you to another great friend of mine with an inspiring journey, Lori H. Schwartz, a tech and entertainment executive who has been through numerous career and personal transitions. Recently fulfilling her long-time dream of going on a trip to Africa, Lori shares the importance of self-care and personal growth in finding balance in various aspects of life.
Lori reflects on her past pattern of reacting emotionally in business relationships with narcissistic personalities, but how she has now shifted her approach. She focuses on what she wants to achieve in any given situation and communicates her needs more effectively.
We talk about the significance of consciously choosing how to spend each moment in alignment with personal values and goals. Lori candidly addresses the challenge of feeling "too much" as an extrovert with comedic skills and leadership qualities. She encourages finding the right people who cherish and value her for who she truly is.
You’ll hear amazing insights and gain inspiration from Lori's journey as she embraces her role as a leader in the tech and entertainment industry.
Connect with Lori H Schwartz:
Thank you, my wonderful listeners, for tuning in to this episode of Ignite Change. If today's conversation resonated with you, please follow the podcast on your favorite platform and leave a review to let me know your thoughts. I appreciate your support!
For more of Amber J and info on Women on Fire, visit goddessprocess.us
Lori H Schwartz 00:00
And what I decided at one point when there was like an hour or two left, and he was really wheeling me, he was telling me I was out of my mind. I mean, just things that a normal person wouldn't say on a flight. I made this decision and I thought, What do I want to get out of this? Well, I have an hour and a half left. I'll just watch a movie. Do I want you to create a scene and disturb these other passengers? Do I want to get up and get that stewardess in trouble? Do I want to return the rest of my hour and a half on this flight? No. So I made the executive decision to just say nothing I can say or do right now is going to impact this man, there's obviously something wrong with him. I can take this off with the airline later, when I can write a letter when I can contact them in their customer relationship management system. And just for the hour and a half just be here, because there was no reason for me to Shiho, then in there wasn't going to accomplish it.
Amber J 00:54
In this episode of Ignite change, when my besties Laurie H. Schwartz, shares with us her growth, being an executive in tech and entertainment, how being the only woman in the room and how the pendulum can swing from one side to the other very quickly. How learning how to navigate what I actually want in a situation and strategically choosing how I navigated in order to serve what I want, and not just blowing things up for the sake of blowing things up, whether that be right or righteousness, and how that is serving her now how that has served her in the five years since her divorce, her daughter being Bat Mitzvah this year, finally taking a vacation, choosing herself and being worthy to take time off, especially as a freelancer slash contract worker, an entrepreneur, giving herself that time and space in order to fill her own cup to expand and to see the world. And boy, we really got to acknowledge how far she has come the growth and the new muscles she has worked so I hope you enjoy this episode of Ignite change with Laurie H sports. All right, welcome to Ignite change I Amber J your host and today we have a very special guest. Another one of my BFFs Laurie H. Lori and I have been friends for 100 years. 100 years. Well, I mean definitely many lifetimes. Laurie is in her 50s She is a entrepreneur and executive she's run ad tech leading edge bleeding edge and contextual story Ising. She calls herself she is the tech cat or technology catalyst. She has been through many terms, the governor at the Television Academy, the Producers Guild, she is divorced and the mom of a fabulous daughter who just got that method. Yeah.
Lori H Schwartz 03:49
I sound fantastic.
Amber J 03:51
Yes, thank you for your snot. So like I mentioned, Laurie H and Amber J have been friends for a very long time. We have been through various cycles in our life. And I think you're such a perfect guest to be on the Ignite change podcast because there have been so many changes that have happened in your career and in your life and how you have navigated them sometimes messy. Yes, sometimes with grace, but always with learnings and the desire to love and to learn. And so I'm excited you are here on the podcast, Laurie? back from a trip.
Lori H Schwartz 04:44
Yes, yes, a very big bucket list.
Amber J 04:47
Tell us why this trip. Why now and what was happening in parallel to this trip?
Well, I have four years just wanted to go to Africa on Safari. It It's not like I knew anything about it. But it was just this thing that I wanted to do. And in my 30s, I traveled a lot both on my own and true business and in my early 40s, as well, and I used my passport a lot. And really since becoming a parent, getting married, and then COVID, I haven't really used my passport that much. I've been to Mexico and Canada a lot the last couple of years because it was easy, taking my daughter to places like that, or meeting friends there. But it's been hard to go away for more than a long weekend or even a week when you're dealing with especially now as a divorcee dealing with custody school time schedules and even work schedules. What do you want to
Amber J 05:45
talk about that just for a minute, because just because I know the journey you've been on, and I can relate to this of being an entrepreneur, Freelancer consultant, that if I go away, if I take time for myself, I missing out on money exposure, when I'm supposed to do those things. And I acknowledge you for taking it was about two weeks of a trip two, three weeks,
two and a half weeks. Yeah, yeah. That was
Amber J 06:22
a breakthrough. In my experience in the teen years I've known you I've never known you to take a three week vacation. Yeah. So talk about what your headspace was to even do that. Right, you saw that your passport wasn't being used. But also was that where your daughter's at was the where you are at with your emotional intelligence of like, the world is gonna go on. And I'm okay, if I take this time,
right? It's really was a combination of things. Because as Americans, we just don't take two or three weeks off like that no matter what the time is, everywhere else in the world, the summer is travel time and for weeks. And the truth is, there's a logistical aspect of, if you go to Africa, it's two days of travel. And if you come back, it's two days of travel. And so then there's adjustment, and there's what you're actually going to do. So if you're going to go somewhere far away. And most of the places that I want to go are eight to 12 hours away, you need to have a couple of weeks to do it. That's number one. Number two is I had gotten to the point with work where after COVID, I just went into like, bam, like drive mode. I had, like everyone experienced about four months where I wondered, oh my god, am I ever going to work again, because a lot of how I get paid in my consultancy, is through live events. A lot of what my consulting leads to is that and there were no live events. And this is after COVID Hit like in 21. Because 20 Everybody went virtual, and I was busier than ever. I was really worried the year after COVID when no one was spending money. And so when that started to calm down, and people started to book me again, I went into overdrive. And for about I would say almost like 15 months, 16 months, I just worked nonstop, to the point where around January of this year, I threw my back out, I was getting hives on my forehead from stress, I couldn't talk I was stuttering, I was also a very stressed out parent, I was yelling all the time, because all the stress was coming out in her. And I just really felt like if I don't make the change, who am I becoming like I didn't like who I was seeing. And I wasn't happy. I really wasn't happy. I really felt unhappy. I felt proud of myself for the career I built. But I didn't feel good. I just didn't feel in my body. And so it almost became a strategic imperative to figure that out. And yes, I was doing different mindfulness things and stuff like that. But I really needed to get out and travel had been really through my 30s and early 40s. A great Savior to me, I loved it. I love traveling, I love seeing foreign things. I love being in different places. So I just decided I have to do this. And so even a few months earlier than that, I reached out to female friends of mine who I know like to travel and I said who wants to go to Africa. And one of my friends picked it up. Now at the same time that was happening. I've been divorced now about five and a half, almost six years. And it was getting to the point now where my ex was taking my daughter for like a week. He lives in New York in the summer and he was taking her for a week. And this was the first year where I kind of felt like he could take her longer and he was willing to and he was actually getting married Believe it or not to the woman that he cheated on me with which I didn't even care about. I was like just take for the mind. It all and whatever
Amber J 09:55
evolution that is no care about that.
He's right. Because the first two and a half years I was a frickin wreck and shocked about it all. And I've really gotten to the point where I understand who he was, I understand what happened. And I'm just glad he's happy. And over there, he's not my person. But we made this great kid. And so, and she was ready to be with him for a month and a month is when I knew I was going to travel. And so I actually knew, like nine months ago, that during the month of June was the period of time it could travel. And so when I even reached out to people, I was very strategic. I was like, This is my travel bracket. This is the month that my daughter will be away. And that of the work that I had decided I was going to keep no matter what, that was the period of time where it would be slow. Yes, yeah. want to hit on that? Yeah. That you wanted to keep? Yes. Yeah. Because I think there is a
Amber J 10:59
I call it like, the queen, the shifting into being the queen. And knowing your worth, know your value in the marketplace, and not just taking any scraps, taking the things that are in alignment that turn you on that excite you, not just doing for doing sake are doing because I need the money. When we do that we don't leave space for more money to come more of what we actually are aligned with. Right. And and I wanted to touch on that you released a relationship recently, a work relationship or the iteration it was. And I want to talk about that pattern. What did you notice was a pattern? Because I think there's other women, that's very helpful for you. Yes, speak it. Because I know a lot of women who are
sad, by the way, this pattern was not only in my work relationships, but also in my personal relationships, and having taken care of it in the right way. Before I left on my trip, I was able to use some of the same tools on my trip, which I'll explain. But what I had the habit of doing is what I called she hooking which is identifying she hooking for yes, it's just losing your mind in a business relationship. I believed that I was allowed to do truth to power, and that I knew how terrible this person was behaving. And I was allowed to tell them how terrible they were behaving in the hopes that for some miracle, they would go Oh, you're so right. I'm so sorry, let's fix this. But what I discovered over God, the last three or four years of dealing with this same behavior of mine, that number one, they're never going to change, people aren't going to change to see you freak out at them. Number two, you don't get what you want. If you close down a relationship by telling someone how horrible they are, it just doesn't help anything. It's it doesn't by the way, and never felt good afterwards, telling someone how I really felt about them. It never is better. And it's not serving me because I still needed something out of these relationships, I still needed to do what I needed to do or wanted to do whatever the business relationship was. And when you react emotionally, in a business relationship, I would just use I mean, when I reacted emotionally and these business relationships, I basically shut down the relationship, and that person no longer wanted to deal with me. So not only was I not getting what I wanted out of the business scenario, and not only did it feel horrible to be such an asshat. At that moment in time, there was an immediate release. That felt great, but not afterwards. I really didn't think that's where you were gonna go. Yeah. Oh, you didn't think that's where I was gonna go? No, I
Amber J 13:53
want to take like a deeper cut. I know of two definite ones because I was a part of one of them. And another kind of one or two. But the ones the two I'm thinking of is a specific type of manner. Yeah.
Well, we'll I'll expand on that. Because first first is understanding my behavior, right? So my opinions and there's
Amber J 14:14
ownership in your behavior, which I acknowledge you for Yeah,
there was understanding that I have this tendency to do truth to power now I also have this tendency to bring narcissists into my life. And I mean, the actual real, like narcissistic personality disorder, not just an adjective that you're describing about somebody, there's a pattern of behavior there. And I know it because I continuously somehow manifested these people in my life. And it's the same kind of behavior where not to get to be the narcissist expert, but basically when you're working with a narcissist, they love bomb you. And what I mean by that is they throw everything at you so you think you are the light of their lives. There's giving you everything that you want, they're making your dreams come true and you absolutely become addicted to it, you love it, you're devoted to them. You give everything back you can and you fully submerge yourself in this relationship. And then what happens is they do something wacky. And then I she hope, this is my story, I She Hulk, and I tell them, hey, you're being an asshat, right now, blah, blah, blah. And what happens with a narcissist is when they aren't getting the feedback that they want the love, the absolute attention, when they when you are not feeding that narcissism, they cut off the love bombing, and they shut you out of their love bubble. And all of a sudden, they're the victim, you're a horrible person, and they literally become someone else, they literally become a completely different person. And you're left holding this bag of Wait, where is this person that adored me, and that filled my ego and everything I needed in the world. And so you're really left brokenhearted and devastated. And it's happened to me, in my marriage in two significant business relationships and in other more casual relationships. Now, it just happens that I'm in a business in an industry where there is a lot of that kind of behavior. It's just sort of, it could be true in any business. But I think the entertainment industry happens to be thriving with this kind of personality disorder for a lot of different reasons. But my behavior patterns and the type of personality I was, maybe it's because I was the youngest daughter, maybe it's because I'm creative and have some ADHD, there's a lot of different theories about it. But I found myself continuously in this pattern with narcissists, and then continuously exploding that relationship. Now the reality is you cannot do you might find yourself with a narcissist and you don't realize it. But what I have learned is that you can be much more strategic about how you navigate relationships. And that means going into any situation you're in and understanding what you want out of the situation. And I want yeah, what I want out of this conversation, this business meeting, this overall relationship, and then these key
Amber J 17:18
because, yeah, and I think this is pertinent. Because I see this time and time again, whether it's in marriages, or in businesses, where women feel old, someone else's vision, they bring all their juice, all their relationships, all the energy, build the brand, build the business, build the thing. And then you want your Do you want the it needs to be put on paper, oh, somehow that got forgotten that keeps getting pushed to the back. Yeah. And you've spent five years of your life building a business that you thought you were going to retire on, or that would be a legacy brand. And now somebody else has it. Right, exactly. And I think that is a cautionary tale for women. And I see this time and time again, in when I am a not owning my own self worth my own value in it. And I may know I am valuable, but I am seeking sinking all of my value into this other person's vision on blind faith.
Yes, on trust. And that is exactly what I did. And no matter what, in this most recent business relationship, that is literally what I did. And I did have some good friends who were not even in the entertainment industry saying paper, this paper this and I tried to but the person didn't want to and that should have been a sign. And finally I started not being treated well. I started really being embarrassed in meetings, and there was just a host of behaviors that became so untenable that I feel and then that just made it all worse. And so it wasn't until I really sat down and broke it down for myself and realize this keeps happening to me. How can I stop this pattern? It wasn't something that happened overnight. I talked about it endlessly. But I really did get to a point where staying in the relationship and trying to make it where was so untenable to the point where I door my back out where I was having a high where the physical manifestation of it became so untenable that I had no choice but to say, I'm out. And the minute that I committed to ending that last most recent toxic relationship, the world just opened up. And I don't know the impact on my business yet because then I went away but I just know that I feel better. I feel like I stood up for myself. I feel like I looked out for me. I took care of mind needs, I put myself first, right? And that in itself is so powerful. And I have carried that behavior now with me, I was navigating a long friendship on this vacation. You know, one of my best friends from college 35 years, and let me tell you traveling with someone, whether they're your lover, husband, girlfriend, parent, for two weeks in a foreign country, you're gonna have issues, you're just gonna have issues. That's the nature of travel. And what I learned, what I really learned is I when something was happening, I said to myself, What do I want out of this right now? And I said, I want to enjoy my friendship. I want to enjoy this trip. And she hooking right now doesn't help either of those things. And so I was able to back into what do I need to make happen here? How do I communicate my issues in a way that doesn't kill the relationship, but feeds it. And my friend ended up saying to me later, about her issues are short balling. So whatever she said, I really appreciate the way you communicated that to me, it was in a loving, nurturing way. And she was able to respond to it. And then I had another situation where I was, this is just so goofy, I'm on an airplane. It's a midnight flight. I'm going from the east coast of Africa to Amsterdam, on a five leg trip. This is like the second leg, it's in the middle of the night. And I'm in coach, which is just what you do. If you spend a lot of money on a trip to Africa. The flight is like the cheapest thing you can find. But I'm sitting in front of a very large and tall Dutch man. I mean, he was gigantic. And he did not like when I leave my seat back. Oh, my God, he was not happy. And I also think he wasn't totally there in the head. He gave me a hard time the entire, like, basically bullying me. And the stewardess helped out a little bit, but then they started talking Dutch, and laughing. And just being very rude to the English speaking person there. And what I decided at one point when there was like an hour or two left, and he was really bullying me was telling me I was out of my mind. I mean, just things that a normal person wouldn't say on a flight. I made this decision. I thought, What do I want to get out of this? Well, I have an hour and a half left. I'll just watch a movie. Do I want to create a scene and disturb these other passengers? Do I want to get up and get that stewardess in trouble? Do I want to ruin the rest of my hour and a half on this flight? No. So I made the executive decision to just say nothing I can say or do right now is going to impact this man. There's obviously something wrong with him, whatever. And I can take this up with the airline later, when I can write a letter when I can contact them in their customer relationship management system. And just for the hour and a half just be here. Because there was no reason for me to She Hulk then in there, it wasn't going to accomplish anything. And so I practice that same modality of thinking, what do I want? What am I going to get out of this? And how do I succeed? And so I just walked away. And I even went around and didn't walk by him on the way out. I just didn't want to deal with him because he it wasn't worth it. So it's led to
Amber J 23:19
I mean, that that takeaway ever I heard one, yeah, because my injustice antenna just, I have a switch. I know this about myself. And you're right, like, but I'm just gonna ruin the last two hours of my flight. And then if I have to call if I cause a scene, then I have to get in the airport, and I may miss my next flight. None of that serves me.
None of it serves me and also, I'll be really honest with you. I also felt that and I feel like this still and always, that as an American traveling, I have a responsibility to break the stereotype of asshole American travelers. And so I am super polite. I am super culturally conscious. When you're in a country that for instance, is 95% Muslim. I wear a collared shirt. I wear long pants, I cover my body. I'm not wearing a burqa, but I'm doing what is socially culturally responsible. When I'm on a plane with other people speaking another language, I'm not going to freak out and be an American who's making too much noise. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to shrivel away. I wrote a letter I'm calling them daily. I want to make sure I get on the phone with a KLM representative because I was bullied. So that will not go unnoticed or untouched. And I will make extra effort, whatever it is to get to the end of this. Maybe you can hop on threads. Yeah, I'll hop on threads. Yeah. Well, I just think again, you have to weave everything together and I see what you did there. Yeah. Well, it's so contextual, but I really do believe and this happened very naturally. This Here's what's exciting for me is both with my friend of 35 years and with this crazy Dutch man as he shall be known. I didn't consciously go, Laurie, it's time for you to practice this new modality and not she hope. I just clicked into the thought process because it's a muscle, and I'm using the muscle. And where did you learn to work your muscles? While I'm talking with you a lot?
Amber J 25:28
Yeah, and I mean,
like other women, and watching how other people navigate successfully,
Amber J 25:35
but I also think you've been working on yourself, yes. Whether that means Pilates or meditation, or seeking other modalities? Because Oh, yeah, absolutely. Your parents and your siblings did not teach you this.
You're absolutely right. Exercise has become the number one gift I have given to myself. And for years, I thought exercise was about looking good. And I was always like 10 pounds heavier than I wanted to be. And a little as we would say, not the most feminine female because I just didn't care. I did have
Amber J 26:12
an era of lesbian Birkenstock
where I just didn't care. I was dressing for comfort. And my parents didn't matter to me now, as I've gotten older and more into myself, and more interested in who I am. And expressing myself. My femininity has emerged more I would say, in a lot of different ways. And it's been wonderful. That happens
Amber J 26:35
with moms, busy moms. Yeah, yeah. And we shut off that part of ourselves. Because we believe that I have to do all the things and I am in service to the child, I'm in service to the family,
the first couple of years when you just want this thing to live. Like to until they're like three years something you're really worried Is it alive, like I would go into my daughter's bedroom and just poker to make sure she was breathing. Like you're really worried you're not keeping this thing alive, then you want to be like you're in the judgment machine. And you're like, I want people to think I'm a great mom, am I a great mom? Am I being a good mom? To people think I'm a good mom, am I a good mom. And you're always asking yourself that you do start to think about that. And I'll tell you the other moment in my life that's happening is my daughter did just turn 13 And I have like four or five years of her being home. And I don't want to be an empty nester having not nurtured my own soul and sells. And so what that means to me is Pilates twice a week, which by the way has been amazing spiritually. And all my aches and pains are going away. And sometimes I actually see an arm muscle occasionally. I mean, I have more work to do. I'm working on still the diet, I'm still working on other parts of the exercise, but but I've been at Pilates for a year now. And it is joy to me when I go taking that hour for myself. And I can do things now that I couldn't do a year ago. So I see progress. And that's a great reward to, but I don't want to be someone who's left alone in this crazy house by myself having not worked on myself, and I'm a better parent when I'm happier. And it's that same thing about taking the oxygen. First, before you put the oxygen on your daughter. You have to feed yourself. You can't be in service of the people you care about if you're not nurturing yourself. And I will again say I have not perfected this yet. I'm going to sometimes fall back. I'm going to have to keep reminding myself. I'm coming off of this amazing trips. But I do say I'm telling you those two situations on this trip. I didn't actively go. Okay, don't feel glory. I just I just did it. I went in my head. Well, it's not going to serve me to speak out right now. So it's been an interesting journey. I'm proud of myself. Is it perfect? Am I perfect? Is everything going to be amazing in my life, by the way, perfect is boring. Yeah, perfect hurts totally boring. But yeah. I'm excited to try out some of this when my daughter comes back, which will be in a week because that's stress. I mean, a 13 year old is stress right now, let me just tell you, it is not easy parenting. In today's environment where gender is up in the air, where you're dealing with social media and computer time, when schools are all about you continuously advocating, whether you're in public or private, whatever it is, those are all a lot of additional pressures on parents right now. And so it's very stressful to be a parent right now. And so that's another thing I'm working on is how do I not let Parenting stress now, and how do I be a better parent? Because I'm not
Amber J 30:03
stressed out. And now such a time, as we're kind of at the half point of the year to how do I want the second half of my year to unfold how, and consciously choose that we just did an exercise and women on fire? About how we spend every moment of our day. Is it in alignment? Is it neutral? Or is it not serving me? Yeah. And then consciously she's like, I do. Doom scroll, I scroll I get on social media. And I'll, I'll be there an hour later. And that doesn't feel good to me. I don't like that. Yeah. So. So if I know that I do that. How do I catch myself? Yeah. and substitute it with something else when maybe I go on a walk, or I listen to a podcast or I dance, because dancing always shifts your mood. You had mentioned us that echoes in the back of your head, and I can relate to this. Have I'm too much. Yes, yes. Tell us all how that has unfolded in your life, how that shrunk you how that how you made decisions around that, and where you're at with that now?
Yeah, I'm an extrovert, basically. And I have comedic skills. And I also am a little bit of a natural leader. And so what often happens in a lot of situations is I use humor, and my extrovert personality and all of those gifts that I have to navigate the world. And often I intimidate people, or in when I was certainly when I was younger, my timing skills were not there yet. So I got in trouble. I got in trouble a lot for talking too much in class or for interrupting in business meetings or whatever. Because also, as a woman and a woman in technology and marketing, I was really taught by the situation's to prove you're the smartest person in the room as soon as possible. And I was taught that, but what often happens with the stories that we tell about ourselves, is that they are true for a minute. But they're not they don't stay true, but we hold on to them, and they go bad, they go gangrene. And so what was happening to me and still is I haven't quite figured all of this out, is that when I get a strange response from someone, or when a relationship doesn't go the way I want, immediately the record plays in my head going, I'm too much. I'm too loud, I'm too funny. I'm too, you know, making everyone think I'm the smartest person, I'm just I'm not in tune with the world. And what I know, the truth is that I can be a little bit more self aware of my audience. And that's something I can work on. But I'm not too much I may. And in situations where the other person doesn't like or respond or know what to do with me, then they're not the right person to be hanging out with. And that there are people that will love and cherish who I am and what my meanness is. And those are the people that I have to find. And look, there may not be as many of them as there used to be. And that's just the reality of as you get older, and you get the most comfortable in your skin, you become a little bit more specific, and the people around you become more specific. Because you're really firmly who you are.
Amber J 33:20
Because I'm not interested in placating or pretending it's way too much for 50 years to play somebody else's role or expectation of what? Right my life, and I'm gonna live my life. And if you're into it cool. And if you're not cool.
Yeah, no, that's exactly it. And I can tell you right now, I even see it. Little Lori's sitting at the dinner table and being told to be quiet or being told don't be so emotional or being told all these things. I mean, this shit happens the first 1012 years of your life, and not on purpose. It's not like my parents or my siblings read a book or what
Amber J 34:04
I wonder if you remember it really that you do get formed from when to set or zero to seven. Do you remember an instance where you were told You're too much? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Two in particular. Yeah, I remember just I was crying about being bullied or made fun of in like sixth grade or something. And I was in the car with my mother. And she just turned around to me and instead of comforting me, she just said something like, can't you not feel so much all the time or can't just not let it get to you? She was basically saying, Don't feel you feel too much. And that became the watchword in my house. Don't tell Laurie she'll get upset. Laurie is going to be emotional, that kind of thing. And that became who my role in the family. And I was
Amber J 34:54
so interesting about that. Yes, the feminine we're definitely in an era where we have embodied our masculine I would say you and I are have that and in common we wanted to succeed in business and be leaders and do be different. Yeah. And I would, I learned that somewhere also that my emotions aren't welcome. And so I need to be a motion less like I just didn't cry for years, like, I cried, it was definitely in private, and not I would never show emotion. The big problem with this and the impact it has on the world is the trickle down effect on the next generation and the next generation and that next generation is a it swings the other way. And the feminine is the emotional consciousness of the planet. No wonder our behavior has swung so far into the masculine in this moment, this crazy take away rights and like this Florida of outrage, or, or shoot shit up is the swinging of the masculine, because the feminine really is the balance of it. And if we're all over here, being in our masculine, this is being atrophied. And so, now women in our 40s 50s, and 60s are, are swinging back into owning our truth, owning our emotions, owning our vulnerability, owning our truth and authenticity. And saying, fuck you, if you can't, if you can't be with this, what I heard you say is your mom, like, couldn't be with your emotions. Oh, yeah. And so we've trained a generation of men. I mean, to be small, and not to have this and not hold the content, the masculine holds the container of the wild, feminine, that's just wild, feminine emotion as well feminine. And it's sexy, and it's crazy. And it's delicious. And it's tender, and it's vulnerable, and we need more of it. Because then men also get the opportunity to let the air out of the tire to let their
emotions out to I mean, here's the irony of it, at least growing up is that when my my father was dying, and he was 89. So it's not a sob story. But it was hard to lose this big man in my life. My siblings and I are standing outside the hospital room. And I remember they turned to me and said, go in and talk to him. Because I was the one that they knew, could handle the emotionality of the situation. Neither of them were capable of going in, and crying and being talking to him and really being present with whatever was going on. And I always would get sent in to do that to be that person. So it's so funny that as I grew up, that was an acknowledged skill set. But it's certainly when I was younger, I was definitely like, doctor because Jews whisper when there's a problem. He asked this, I can't hear you. Yeah, exactly. He has diabetes, whatever it is. But yeah, it's really, in so many ways. I think I've had business people tell me, now you are a good person like they they listed as a quality, to be kind and emotional. And caring is actually a positive thing. And it doesn't have to mean weakness. Now, what it was challenging for me still is making decisions, not firing someone that they need to be not authentically leading, because I let that part lead. So you really do have to weave in that part, the feminine part appropriately and let it balance out with everything else, because I have been prone to wanting to be liked wanting to be kind wanting to be the mother figure, as opposed to making the smart business decision. And so it's a balance, you got to balance it and it's hard. It's hard. It's really hard. Before we do the quiz, it's adorable. I would love to hear the Television Academy, the Emmys. Yes. The ebb and flow of being a leader in something like that ebb and flow by the way has happened to me numerous times. And that is that you come in my area of specialty was new stuff, emerging technology, content models, things like that. And in the beginning of my Governor rein, which is a board role. I was well respected and champion because I would raise my hand and do a lot of education presentations. I worked very hard doing a lot of events. I did any anything I could to get the community engaged and learning, I was really all about teaching and driving engagement and all of that. And what happen is there was a leadership shift. And all of a sudden, I became the crazy person. And instead of being the pet of the leader at the time of the Academy, I became the person that was the pariah. And all the energy and focus changed on me. I was finishing my term, and I ended up leaving in that modality instead of looking back at the sort of 10 years of positiveness. Now, the good news is that I don't have regret about any of that stuff, because I'm very proud of the work that I did in that situation. And I make great friends. And when I run into people, and I hear about that, what like, what their version of the story is, it is very positive. It's like this, let me introduce you to Lori, she worked so hard for us, or let me introduce you to the smartest person I know or whatever. And I know you shouldn't care about how people talk about you. But that's what I remember about the experience, the ugly part where everything kind of fell apart towards the last few months. That was a lesson for me. And when I ended, what happened two years later, was all the things I was trying to do got adopted, literally the exact stuff that I was working on that they kicked me out, like, I mean, I finished my term, but that they really were like, No, we're not going to do any of that. And then two years later, they did all of it.
Amber J 41:32
So do you think that like now that you kind of have less trigger around it? Or like the motion around it? Yeah. What do you like, if you were to analyze the what was that?
I think that there was that pattern that we talked about just before earlier, that there was some narcissistic behavior on the leadership there, that I shield quite a few times, because I believed so deeply in what I was doing, and in my community, and I didn't look at the long term strategic relationship. So I basically insult insulted a frail male ego, to the point where he turned off on me and what I should have done, or maybe what would have been the better strategic choice was to go, Okay, what do I want out of this? And how can I work with this person? Who does have this ego? How can I play inside of his world, so that I can get what I need to get out of this situation? So one
Amber J 42:35
of the things about this quiz is it is the quadrants and how to play around with other people's tendencies. There's a part of me that just is like, Get over yourself, especially like patriarchal, white men.
I will be honest with you and say that of the people that I had these issues with the this repeating relationship, it was mostly white men over 50. I mean, the five people that I can name to right now that it happened with, or or maybe it's four are all white men over 50.
Amber J 43:10
Who can count at least five? Yeah, yeah. Or six?
Yes, yes. I feel free. I'm including my husband, my ex husband, I included him. In the last couple of business partners. Yeah, yep. What I again, I think I have learned in all of this is they're not going away. And also, I do have some empathy for that generation of men who were sold a culture that was toxic, but that's the culture they were given. And so they were operating in this system that worked for their parents, and that worked for everyone else. And then the system changed, amen. And the smart ones and the flexible ones and the ones that could flexed and evolved, and many of them didn't. And those are the ones that are getting canceled or getting in trouble. We're are battening down the hatches and playing even harder. They're like getting they're pulling punches.
Amber J 44:14
Right. And there's no kindness involved in any of
that. Right. My, the issue is that, especially with one of the these executives that we're talking about is there's no one who talks about him in a positive way anymore. And he was a beloved person for the longest time. So the universe spits out people like that over time. I mean, there's, I'm not like a Eastern philosopher. But I do believe that the universe spits out toxic people over time. It just happens. You don't get away with anything in this world when you're not kind and positive and ultimately loving.
Amber J 44:54
But you got to learn the lesson. I mean, you get part of why we're in these meat suits that So big public lesson to learn.
Yeah, hopefully they will learn it may not I don't know. But
Amber J 45:07
I have no come back or at all.
I mean, I've had to process a lot of stuff during that period of time. That was a difficult time. But I look back on it now. And I'm, like, grateful that I had the opportunity like that, I got that lesson. And most of the time, these lessons do not come in the form that you want them. They are not what you expect, they are not yummy. They do not taste good. They are not in the how you expect them. But they come and you just have to deal with it.
Amber J 45:39
I want to acknowledge you because you are persistent and consistent. There were times in those. I mean, I've been through the ups and downs with you over many years. And I was like, why are you continuing to fight this fight? Right? Like, why do you put yourself in this situation? And it is because you believe in it? And the truth is, you are right. Yeah, now is at an inflection point in our politics. Same way with our rights being taken away, left and right.
Right, right. Yeah, when you see things ahead of other folks, it can be very intimidating. And this has happened to me throughout my career that I've had people come up to me and said, Oh, you were right about that whole content thing. Or you were right. And I'm like, I'm like you?
Amber J 46:33
Well, I mean, you are a bit of a soothsayer. And when you are that it is threatening, especially if people are trying to build a business of something that you're negating. And that's threatening. Yeah, and you're not trying to be ruthless or hateful. In fact, you're trying to help people.
I have a drive to teach. And so that always is the main thing. I had one running with someone who said, you're just doing this to benefit your career. And I'm like, What do you like, where, how do I benefit my career from doing that particular thing? Now? Where are my millions of dollars? Yeah. Like, I'm doing this because it feels like the right thing to do like these people need this, like this will help the world this is good. I'm not saying I'm not selfish or care about taking care of my own needs. I'm just saying that that's not
Amber J 47:25
selfish. That is the human experience. So yeah, don't ever undermine that. Because that is a thing that women take on being selfish. And it's, we have to rewrite that story. Yeah, I'm doing my thing I'm saying your cup first. And following your truth, your intuition your knowing. Yeah. Well, I have seen your growth trajectory, your emotional intelligence expand. And I just don't want you to hurt I don't want you to end up with these narcissistic dudes as
I know, I know. It's interesting, because I was like, Isn't there any like, spray? I can spray some
Amber J 48:07
like mosquito blocker, like are
like they're closer that can go off? And I keep thinking like, will there be signs or something because love bombing is normally assigned, but sometimes you don't know what's happening. So I don't know. I think that I know and it feels good, and you will feel dead. And I do think what's happening to me now and and hopefully this will happen to a lot of your listeners too, if they find themselves in this cycle is that I recently like honest, a year ago dated someone who was definitely a narcissist. And within six weeks, I was like, This is not right, this person, it's I gotta get out of this. And I got out of that I ended up and I was so into them. And they were like, growing love bombing me. But I knew there was something that that's who they were. And so what starts to happen is your spidey sense, starts to light up
Amber J 48:58
its muscles, you're working new muscles. And so you've built up muscles to go like, hey, that doesn't, something's off. And I'm gonna keep my tune in and not ignore it not ignore the red flag, not ignore the signs.
There is a there is intuition involved, and you have to trust it.
Amber J 49:15
Well, and intuition is a big thing that we shut down at different phases in our lives because we were told it's too much or you're too emotional, or that's hooey, whatever that is, but if we slow down long enough, and take Pilates, take a walk, meditate, breathe, dance, listen and into our own intuition. That's, I can't follow other people's rules or like I'm living their life. This is yours.
Yeah. By the way, I just started the book Glendon Doyle on. Yeah,
Amber J 49:52
I knew what you were talking about. Yeah, I see the book cover. Yeah. All right. So we're gonna take the quiz. Are you ready? Okay, quiz seven questions is the woman on fire. your quiz, okay? It's designed to help you identify the kind of woman on fire you are so you can better navigate the next chapter or changes in your life. Okay, we go. All right, single answer. Yeah, only one answer per question. There's several questions, which best describes how friends or co workers would describe you? Life of the Party? goal driven, detailed, or caretaker?
Maybe goal driven, goal driven.
Amber J 50:32
Which phrase best resonates with you? It'll work out. Let's do it now. Let's keep things the way they are. How was that done in the past? Let's do it that way.
Oh, it'll work out.
Amber J 50:52
What way best describe how you navigate life. I go with the flow and do not rock the boat. I perform at the highest level in most areas of my life. I prioritize others needs. I use facts to solve problems. Oh,
I think that I prioritize others needs but I'm working on using facts.
Amber J 51:20
But which area of your life do you feel the most friction or lack of satisfaction, intimate relationships, career or job? Health
aging, for purpose, passion. That's a hard one. I'll have to say purpose passion only because I feel like it keeps moving.
Amber J 51:45
My winning strategy is be likable and fun. Being the best, being smart and credible, or being selfless.
I guess one is like who I've been but four is who I'm going after.
Amber J 52:04
You're being selfless or you're being smart and credible or likeable and
likeable and fun has been my way but being credible as the direction I'm moving in.
Amber J 52:14
Would you say you spend your day doing or being so doing I'm busy I make time to get everything done and more being I make time to connect with my intuition.
Oh doing definitely adore Yeah. And last
Amber J 52:29
one, pick the thing you want more of in your life. Adventure. Pleasure, appreciation or free time. One adventure? Yeah, for sure. You are a torchbearer? torchbearer you create results. Yes. That means every area of your life, you have optimized, banged it out and killed it. You have reached for and surpassed your goals. You are the lighthouse for others on their journey. The good news is you don't have to do it alone.
Oh, interesting. Well, I wish I was a tall lighthouse and a little squatty. But
Amber J 53:13
how did that land for you being a torchbearer?
It does kind of make sense. I think it makes sense. I'd definitely in especially in those last year. So I really felt like I don't have to be the person anymore. That I can just create opportunities for other folks.
Amber J 53:30
So there's tend to be leaders, they like results. That kind of opposite side is it can be my way or the highway. They can be a little draconian or like it has to be done this way. But they are also like they see the light are the ones who can illuminate the path.
Yeah, I do. I definitely see light. See the light? Yeah. I saw the sound.
Amber J 53:57
So Laurie H Schwartz. Amber gel us? What would you like to promote what's going on in your life? How can people find you?
Oh, absolutely. You can find me at Lori at story dash tech.com. And I'm on social media as at Tech cat girl. So both of them on LinkedIn and all the different hundreds of new platforms launched LinkedIn, by multimillionaires. What I'm working on right now I do a lot of posting emceeing and facilitating live events being on stage. And I love that and so I'm really available to businesses and entities that are looking for someone to host their event or to be the facilitator.
Amber J 54:42
Your expertise that gear Nietzsche teaches
technology and content so storytelling and the use of technology and storytelling, and I'm working on a series called the curators dilemma, which is all going to be about how someone curates experiences and how we teach about something by curating information around it, which is a lot of what I've been doing in my life.
Amber J 55:07
Thank you for sharing your journey and how you have ignited change. You have let go of fire inside of us. We are here to get lit and until next time....